Searching for Hope

I heard them talking to Kai, they think I' m deaf. Do I look deaf? No, just not wanting to be here. So what if I dont move, or eat? Id rather die than be here anyway. Kai doesnt understand me much anymore, though I see her daily suffering, wishing she could help me. But I dont want help; I just want my mom or even my dad, somebody that really loves me, not just Kai. I want to send Kai home, so she can be with her mom, while I rot away in my cell of torment. I say just throw me in a river and leave me to drown, Im of no help to anyone.

Whispering, I hear whispering. But Arwen and Aragorn have left for a walk. There is no one in my room. Whats going on? I hear the voices of my mothers friends, but they couldnt be here could they? Why would they want to be here in this place? Slowly, weakly I covered my ears to dull out the voices; but it just wasnt working. Echoes swirled around my head, as the words repeated over and over again. I squeezed my eyes shut, but it was no help.

Darkness washed over me for a moment, as I was lifted from the bed I was in. Where I was going, I had no idea, my only hope was that my life had ended, and I was now being carried away off to my mom. However, that seemed too good to be true. I was taken back to the throne room and placed gently next to Arwen. Though Im not sure why I was even moved from my bed, unless Aragorn and Arwen believed I needed a change of scenery.

Silently I sat, waiting, waiting for heaven knows what, but something was going to happen, for good or bad Im not sure yet. Slowly I turned my back on the room around me, I didnt want to see them or anyone. Sadly, I heard the happy voice of Kai, as she returned from who knows where. Her voice was filled with joy and excitement, though I cant see how she could even be thrilled with this dreadful place. It stung my heart to know that she was here with me, and not with her friends back in Tokyo.

Pulling my long slender legs up to my chest, I held myself. Tears, not more tears; all they do it burn my now pale eyes. Slowly they trickle down my face, stinging my cheeks. Quietly I wept, while I heard Kai talk to Arwen and Aragorn. Their worlds floated around in my head, but they werent in normal sentences, they were just that, words, jumbled in my mind. Incoherent, unusable, they were of no help to me if I had no way to understand them. Placing my hands gently over my ears, I forced myself to ignore their conversation.

Make them stop; make the voices in my head stop!!! I wanted to scream, to run away from the pain, from the torment. But where would I go? I have nothing, no one. Im alone as I wished to be. I suffer daily with my own mind. A torment I placed upon myself. I began cradling myself in the horribly uncomfortable chair. I cant stop them from talking, yelling, screaming, crying; these voices are becoming my torment.

I cant take this much more, there has to be a way, a way for me to live on. Some one out there has to help me, right? My breath caught in my lungs as I was struck with a sudden thought. My father wasnt the reason my mom did what she did. It was me! How could I have been so blind; she killed herself because of me. Screaming, my mind was screaming, You stupid fool, how could you have not seen this before? She hated you! You were never wanted! Tears flowed endlessly down my face, as I believed what my conscience was telling me.

Softly I lulled myself into an uncomfortable sleep. Again I was surrounded with darkness. Im sick of this darkness, yet I feel I am drowning in a sea of unseen sorrows. Slowly I sank down farther into the dark world. Something was happening, was I feeding this darkness? What was it Setsuna said; there was a reason we were here? Crap! Im a useless tool; I cant remember anything. I knew I should never have been born, mom would still be alive, and then I wouldnt be stuck in this swamp of despair.

Figures floated around in small scenes of joy. Scenes I now have no recollection of. I sat in a dark room and watched my friends happy. I saw them with their families; saw them without me. Was this what was to become of my friends? I was nothing to them: only some extra thing to torment when they needed to relieve stress. They were forgetting me as I faded away into nothing; they forgot me.

The room faded into what was the Crystal Palace, deep within the Courtyard. There I found Princess Rini, sitting quietly, not just quietly, but with little motion at all. I wanted to scream, something had got to her too. I ran over to her and fell down in front of her. She held something in her hands, forcing myself to stand up; I looked at what she held. I held my breath as I saw the picture of my mom running around in Downtown Tokyo when she was younger with Rini. Tears were falling from her eyes and dropping on the picture.

I felt horrible, here I was thinking I was the only one in the world that had lost her, when everyone else was suffering right there with me. Maybe it was only Rini and I that suffered so, everyone else in those pictures were happy. Or maybe it was just my mind playing cruel tricks on me. I looked around as the Crystal Palace faded quickly into the distance and I was left standing alone in the darkness, or am I?

A horrible cackling echoes in the silence of the darkness. I quickly look around but I cant find anything. A new fear sprung up from the pits of my stomach. I have never felt fear like this before in my whole life, I suddenly felt weak and useless again. But the cackling stopped, as if sensing my fear. I shivered and drew my arms about my body, trying to draw in what warmth I could from the darkness.

You will never escape your fate! a voice echoed like needles of ice. Your life will end soon little one. Embrace your destiny and give in to the darkness that you see before you!

I stumbled backwards, as I was hit with a blast of cold air. Embrace? Give in? What was going on? Could this be the real reason Setsuna sent us here? I couldnt give in, not when I was so close to finding the light again. I refuse to give in, this voice could back off and leave me be. If I choose to die, it will be on my own account not theirs. 

Silly child, havent you figured it out yet? They dont care about you! They brought you here so you could die with your own disgraceful kind! The voice screamed out as I was thrown backwards.

I forced myself to stand up again, starring back at nothing. No body was there. How could I defend myself when there wasnt any one to fight? I glared around trying to find something anything. But nothing came. I took a step forward only to be thrown backwards again. This time I was quite angry. I stood up, though my body and mind were being beaten again and again, I wasnt going to give in.

NO!!! I yelled back to the air, as the room faded back to that of the Throne Room in Minas Tirith. I looked around quickly to find that everyone was starring at me. For the first time I saw Haruka and Michiru standing with Makoto and Minako. Kai was standing a little in front of them, with Amaya next to her. But it wasnt their looks that worried me, but that of Setsuna. Who stood now in front of the group. When she got there I didnt know, but I was glad she was there.

Cold sweat beads fell slowly down my face from my forehead. I wiped them away and looked about again. I didnt know if the looked of concern from Setsuna was from they way I looked, now just a pile of skin and bones, or if it was my sudden voice that had just rung out through the castle walls. But either way I felt horribly embarrassed. I could hardly stand on my own, but I refused the help that Aragorn had offered me. If I were to confront Setsuna, I had to do it on my own.

Stumbling, I made my way over to Setsuna. I received a stern look from her, knowing that she was displeased with me. A deep sorrow arose from the pit of my stomach as I looked at the Time Guardian, and found the same look in her eyes that I had in Rinis eyes. I stopped a few feet away from her, looking about, I found several ways of escape. Would leaving help me? Or would I be embracing the darkness as the voice said?